Funny Quotes

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Name of the Seventh Book


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


  • "Oh, are you a prefect Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea."
    "Hang on I think I remember him saying something about it, once..."
    "Or twice-"
    "A minute-"
    "All summer-"

  • Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
    "So-after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating-"
    "Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.
    "I mean, after that open and revolting foul-"
    "Jordan, I'm warning you-"
    "All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure..."

  • "Sir — Professor Dumbledore? Can I ask you something?"
    "Obviously, you’ve just done so," Dumbledore smiled. "You may ask me one more thing, however."
    "What do you see when you look in the mirror?"
    "I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks."
    Harry stared.
    "One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."


Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets



Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban


  • "Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
    "Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."
    "Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."

  • Trelawney: "Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?"
    Ron: "I don't need help, it's obvious what this means: there's going to be loads of fog tonight."


Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire


  • "Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred.
    "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!"
    "It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it."

  • Dudley had done the thing he was threatening to do since age three: He had become wider than he was tall.

  • "Don't be prat, Neville, that's illegal," said George. "They wouldn't use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."

  • "Enjoying it?" said Ron darkly. "I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. He's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch...as I was saying to Mr Crouch...Mr. Crouch is of the opinion...Mr. Crouch was telling me...They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."

  • Ron: "Who're you going with then?"
    Fred: "Angelina."
    Ron: "What? You've already asked her?"
    Fred: "Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?"

  • Hermione: "Harry, I've been thinking - you know what we've got to do, don't you? Straight away, the moment we get back to the castle?"
    Harry: "Yeah, give Ron a good kick up the-"
    Hermione: "Write to Sirius."

  • "I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, "that can't be right, can it?"
    "Aaaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry.."

  • "Wild!" he said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again ... and again ... and again. . ."


Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix


  • "If anybody fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three Diagon Alley -- Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," he said in a loud voice.
    "Our new premises!"
    "Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they're going to use our products to get rid of this old bat," said George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.

  • A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way."

  • "Who's Kreacher?"
    "The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."
    "He is not a nutter," said Hermione.
    "His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother," said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"

  • "Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night," said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. "What do you think that means?"
    "Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest.

  • A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."
    "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione.

  • By the time Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Anthony Goldstein, and Terry Boot had finished using a wide variety of the hexes and jinxes Harry had taught them, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle resembled nothing so much as three gigantic slugs squeezed into Hogwarts uniforms as Harry, Ernie and Justin hoisted them into the luggage rack and left them there to ooze.
    "I must say, I'm looking forward to seeing Malfoy's mother's face when he gets off the train," said Ernie with satisfaction.
    "Goyle's mum'll be really pleased, though," said Ron. "He's loads better looking now."

  • "I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing," said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt, and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair.
    "I...must...not...look...like...a...baboon's...backside..."

  • Malfoy glanced around. Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers. Then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, "You're dead, Potter."
    Harry raised his eyebrows. "Funny," he said, "you'd think I'd have stopped walking around..."

  • Draco: "You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments".
    "Yeah," said Harry, "but you, unlike me, are a git."

  • "Don't put your wand there , boy!" roared Moody. "What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"
    "Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly.
    "Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!" growled Mad-Eye. "Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore...." He stumped off toward the kitchen. "And I saw that," he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.


Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince


  • And she looked hopefully toward the door. "When you say you had lots in common," said Ron, sounding rather amused now, "d'you mean he lives in an S-bend too?"

  • "I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. "I want to find McClaggen and kill him."
    "I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'overexertion,'" said Madam Pomfrey.

  • [talking about Inferi in DADA...] "When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a look to see if it's solid, aren't we? We're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?'"

  • Fred, George, Harry, and Ron were the only ones who knew that the angel on top of the tree was actually a garden gnome that had bitten Fred on the ankle as he pulled up carrots for Christmas dinner. Stupefied, painted gold, stuffed into a miniature tutu and with small wings glued to its back, it glowered down at them all, the ugliest angel Harry had ever seen, with a large bald head like a potato and rather hairy feet.

  • There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced. Hermione acted as though she had not seen or heard anything.

  • "'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'"
    "That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.
    "Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.

  • Non-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed U-No-Poo.

  • "How d'you spell 'belligerent'?" said Ron, shaking his quill very hard while staring at his parchment. "It can't be B-U-M-"
    "No, it isn't," said Hermione, pulling Ron's essay toward her. "And 'augury' doesn't begin O-R-G either. What kind of quill are you using?"
    "It's one of Fred and George's Spell-Check ones... but I think the charm must be wearing off..."
    "Yes, it must," said Hermione, pointing at the title of his essay, "because we were asked how we'd deal with dementors, not 'Dugbogs,' and I don't remember you changing your name to 'Roonil Wazlib' either."

  • "A little way to his left, Ernie Macmillan was contemplating his hoop so hard that his face had turned pink; it looked as if he was straining to lay a Quaffle-sized egg."

  • "I do," she [Moaning Myrtle] said, with a sulky little shrug, "but that doesn't mean I can't visit other places. I came and saw you in your bath once, remember?"
    "Vividly," said Harry.


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows